Navigating the modern dating landscape, especially when dating over 50, can often feel like learning a new language. Have you ever encountered a perplexing dating behavior that leaves you questioning intentions and wondering about unspoken rules? In the insightful video above, dating coach Treva Brandon Scharf sheds light on a particular online dating trend known as “cushioning.” This behavior, while not entirely new, has become more prevalent in the digital age, and understanding it is crucial for anyone seeking a genuine connection.
What is Cushioning in Online Dating?
Cushioning, at its core, involves keeping multiple romantic interests on standby, often as a backup plan. The concept is quite similar to “benching,” where potential partners are kept “on the bench” in case a primary relationship doesn’t work out. While both terms describe the act of juggling multiple connections, the video clarifies a crucial distinction.
According to Treva, keeping people “in rotation” while you are single and actively dating is a normal and even recommended practice. In the initial stages of dating, it makes sense to explore several connections to see who might be the best fit. This allows you to keep your options open and avoid putting all your emotional eggs in one basket.
However, cushioning crosses an ethical line when you are in a committed or exclusive relationship, yet continue to engage in regular contact with other romantic prospects. These “cushions” are often unaware of your primary relationship, leading to a significant breach of trust. This deceptive behavior can inflict considerable emotional harm on those involved.
Cushioning vs. Benching: A Closer Look
To further clarify, think of it this way: Benching is typically practiced during the single phase. You might be going on dates with several individuals, not yet committed to any, and keeping communication open with others you’ve met. This is generally considered acceptable as long as you’re honest about your non-exclusive status.
Cushioning, on the other hand, occurs when you’ve already found a “main squeeze” and are in what appears to be a committed partnership. Despite this, you maintain emotional or even physical connections with others, ensuring you have a “soft landing” should your primary relationship fail. This often stems from insecurity or a fear of being alone, creating a safety net without the knowledge or consent of your committed partner.
The Psychology Behind Cushioning Behavior
Why do individuals engage in cushioning, especially when it involves deceiving a partner? The video highlights several deep-seated psychological motivations, suggesting that cushioning is rarely about a surplus of options, but rather a deficit within oneself.
One primary driver is insecurity. Many people who cushion lack self-worth and constantly seek external validation. They need the constant attention and adoration from multiple sources to feel good about themselves. This behavior is similar to what’s sometimes called a “thirst trap,” where individuals crave adulation and compliments to fill an emotional void. This craving for validation can become an insatiable hunger, making it difficult to ever feel truly satisfied with one person’s affection.
Furthermore, a fear of being alone can fuel cushioning. The idea of ending a relationship and facing singleness again can be daunting, particularly for those dating over 50 who may feel time pressures or a desire for companionship. By having “cushions” in place, they mitigate this fear, ensuring there’s always someone to fall back on. This proactive avoidance of potential loneliness, however, comes at the cost of genuine connection and trust in their current relationship.
Some individuals, particularly men, might be labeled “players” for this behavior, driven by a desire for power or control. For women, it often points more strongly to insecurity and a deep-seated need for affirmation. In either case, cushioning often reveals an “empty hole in the soul” that no amount of external attention can truly fill. It suggests an unaddressed internal struggle rather than a healthy approach to dating.
Ethical Dating: When Cushioning Becomes Problematic
The distinction between ethical and unethical cushioning is crucial. When you are single and actively seeking a partner, exploring multiple connections is a common and often sensible strategy. You are not obligated to commit to the first person you meet, and keeping your options open helps you make an informed decision about who you truly want to be with.
The problem arises when exclusivity is implied or explicitly established. Once you agree to be in a committed or exclusive relationship, you owe that person your full attention and honesty. Continuing to communicate with “cushions” at this stage is a betrayal of trust. It prevents the primary relationship from developing authentically and sets both parties up for heartbreak.
Surveys on online dating behaviors often reveal that honesty and transparency are among the most valued traits in potential partners. Deceptive practices like cushioning, once discovered, erode trust completely and make it nearly impossible to build a lasting, healthy relationship. Many experts agree that true commitment requires a willingness to invest fully in one person.
The Impact on Relationships and Self-Worth
Cushioning has significant negative impacts. For the “cushioner,” it prevents self-reflection and personal growth. Instead of confronting insecurities or fears of loneliness, they rely on external validation, perpetuating a cycle of superficial connections. This makes it difficult to cultivate true intimacy, which requires vulnerability and trust.
For the “cushioned,” the impact can be devastating. Discovering that you were merely a backup plan can lead to feelings of rejection, confusion, and a significant blow to self-esteem. It fosters distrust in future relationships and can make individuals wary of putting themselves out there again. Emotional well-being is often severely compromised when someone realizes they were not a priority.
Navigating Online Dating Over 50 with Integrity
Online dating has become one of the primary ways people meet, and this is especially true for those dating over 50. While the platforms offer unprecedented access to potential partners, they also amplify certain negative behaviors. The anonymity of a screen can sometimes make people forget they are interacting with real human beings, each with feelings and vulnerabilities.
For individuals dating over 50, who may have accumulated significant life experience and are often looking for more serious connections, integrity becomes paramount. It’s vital to remember that every profile, every message, and every date involves another person seeking connection. Therefore, adopting a “kind dater” mentality, as suggested in the video, is essential.
Tips for Ethical Dating Over 50:
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Be Honest About Your Intentions: Clearly communicate what you’re looking for, whether it’s a casual connection, a long-term partnership, or anything in between. This sets realistic expectations for everyone involved.
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Practice Self-Reflection: Regularly check in with yourself. Why are you dating? What are your motivations? Are you seeking genuine connection or merely validation? Understanding your own needs helps you approach dating from a place of authenticity.
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Communicate Non-Exclusivity: If you are dating multiple people, be open about it. You don’t need to name names, but a simple statement like, “I’m enjoying getting to know you, and I’m also exploring other connections,” can prevent misunderstandings.
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Prioritize and Act Accordingly: Once you decide to pursue an exclusive relationship, make that person a priority. End communication with other romantic interests. This shows respect for both your partner and yourself.
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Practice Kind Disengagement: If a date or connection isn’t going to lead anywhere, communicate this kindly and respectfully. A simple text or call saying, “I enjoyed our time, but I don’t think we’re a match. I wish you the best,” goes a long way. This prevents “ghosting” and shows empathy, something Treva explicitly advocates for.
Empowering Yourself: What if You’re the “Cushionee”?
If you suspect you are being cushioned, it’s natural to feel hurt or confused. The video offers powerful advice for those on the receiving end: confront the situation. People are often perceptive and can sense when they are not a priority or are being juggled alongside others. If you pick up on these signals, it’s vital to address them.
Steps to Take if You Suspect Cushioning:
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Trust Your Gut: If something feels off, it probably is. Don’t dismiss your instincts or make excuses for someone’s inconsistent behavior. A common sign of cushioning is a lack of consistent attention or a feeling that you’re only contacted when it’s convenient for them.
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Communicate Clearly: Have an honest conversation. Express your feelings and ask direct questions about the nature of your relationship and their commitment. For example, “I’m looking for an exclusive relationship. Are you on the same page?”
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Define Your Boundaries: Understand your non-negotiables. What level of commitment do you need? What behaviors are unacceptable? Having clear boundaries helps you protect your emotional well-being.
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Don’t Be Afraid to Walk Away: If the person is unwilling to commit or continues to engage in cushioning behavior, recognize that you deserve better. As Treva suggests, you might say, “I think you’re great, but I’m looking for a committed relationship, and I don’t think I’m what you need right now.” This is a powerful act of self-respect.
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Prioritize Your Self-Worth: Remember that your value doesn’t come from external validation or from being chosen by someone who can’t fully commit. Focus on building your own self-esteem and happiness independently.
The journey of dating over 50, especially with the complexities of online platforms, requires both self-awareness and integrity. Understanding “cushioning” is more than just knowing a dating term; it’s about recognizing behavior that can undermine genuine connection and taking steps to protect your emotional well-being. By focusing on honest communication, ethical practices, and self-respect, you pave the way for more meaningful and fulfilling relationships in the modern dating world.
Navigating Over 50 Dating & Cushioning: Your Questions Answered
What is ‘cushioning’ in online dating?
Cushioning is a dating behavior where someone keeps multiple romantic interests on standby as backup, often while they are already in a committed relationship.
Is it always considered bad to talk to multiple people when dating?
No, it’s generally considered normal and healthy to explore several connections while you are single and actively dating to find a good fit. Cushioning becomes problematic when you are in an exclusive relationship and secretly maintain other romantic interests.
How is ‘cushioning’ different from ‘benching’?
Benching typically occurs when you’re single, keeping communication open with several people you’re not committed to. Cushioning, however, happens when you’re in a committed relationship but still engage with other romantic prospects as a safety net.
Why do people engage in cushioning behavior?
People often cushion due to personal insecurities, a fear of being alone, or a need for constant external validation. It’s usually about addressing an internal deficit rather than having an abundance of genuine options.
What should I do if I think someone is ‘cushioning’ me?
Trust your gut feeling and have an honest conversation about their intentions and your relationship’s status. If they are unwilling to commit or continue the behavior, prioritize your self-worth and be prepared to set boundaries or walk away.