Navigating the complex world of modern romance, especially for individuals dating over 50, requires understanding new terms and behaviors. One such term, often encountered in the realm of online dating, is “cushioning.” As discussed in the accompanying video with dating coach Treva Brandon Scharf, this practice involves keeping backup romantic interests in rotation, ostensibly to “cushion the blow” should a primary relationship falter. While its acceptability largely depends on relationship status, the psychological underpinnings and ethical implications of cushioning warrant careful consideration.
Understanding Cushioning: A Modern Dating Behavior
Cushioning is essentially a strategic dating maneuver where a person maintains multiple romantic or flirtatious connections. These connections are typically kept warm, often through regular texting, social media interaction, or occasional casual dates. The primary purpose is to ensure that a backup option is readily available if the main romantic interest or a developing relationship does not work out. This behavior is closely related to “benching,” which is the act of keeping potential partners on the sidelines, ready to be called upon when needed, much like reserve players in sports.
The distinction between acceptable and problematic cushioning lies in the level of commitment within the primary relationship. When someone is genuinely single and exploring various options, maintaining multiple interests is a common and often sensible approach. It is understood that options are being kept open, allowing for a broader assessment of compatibility. However, the dynamics shift significantly once a relationship moves towards exclusivity or commitment.
When Cushioning Becomes Problematic
A significant ethical line is crossed when cushioning occurs within an established or exclusive relationship. It is considered unethical to maintain secret backup romantic interests while ostensibly committed to one person. This practice often involves a lack of transparency and can lead to emotional distress for the person who believes they are in a monogamous or serious relationship. The “cushions” themselves may also be unaware of their secondary status, leading to further complications and hurt feelings.
The existence of readily available communication channels through online dating apps and social media platforms has made cushioning easier to execute. Constant contact with various individuals is effortlessly maintained, creating an environment where such behaviors can thrive undetected by a primary partner. This ease of connection, however, does not diminish the emotional impact or the ethical breach involved.
The Psychological Roots of Cushioning
The motivations behind cushioning are complex and often point to deeper psychological needs or insecurities. It is often observed that a person who engages in cushioning may be seeking constant external validation. The attention and affection received from multiple sources can temporarily fill a void, alleviating feelings of inadequacy or loneliness. This continuous stream of affirmation can become addictive, making it difficult to cease the behavior even when a committed relationship is desired.
Insecurity also plays a significant role. Fear of abandonment, a lack of self-worth, or previous negative relationship experiences can drive individuals to seek a sense of security through multiple options. By having several potential partners, the risk of being left alone is perceived to be reduced, providing a false sense of control over their romantic life. This approach, however, prevents the development of deep trust and genuine connection in a single relationship.
Sometimes, cushioning is simply a manifestation of selfishness or immaturity. Individuals may prioritize their own needs for attention and ego-stroking above the feelings and expectations of their partners. This self-centered approach often stems from a lack of empathy or an unwillingness to confront personal issues that contribute to their dating patterns. As was insightfully noted in the video, such behavior can be indicative of a “hole in your soul” that external validation can never truly fill.
Validation and Self-Worth in Dating
The pursuit of validation through multiple romantic interests can be a destructive cycle. While it is natural to appreciate compliments and affection, an excessive reliance on external validation can undermine self-esteem. True self-worth originates from within; it should not be contingent upon the approval or attention of others. A healthy approach to dating over 50 emphasizes self-awareness and personal growth, rather than the constant acquisition of external praise.
The constant need to be adored or told one is beautiful, as described through the concept of a “thirst trap,” illustrates this point. People who live for such adulation are often trying to compensate for an internal lack. This can prevent them from forming authentic, emotionally fulfilling connections, as their focus remains on superficial affirmation rather than mutual respect and deep understanding.
Ethical Dating Practices and Communication
Honesty and clear communication are paramount in any dating scenario. If multiple partners are being pursued, it is essential that all individuals involved are fully aware of the situation. This transparency allows everyone to make informed decisions about their involvement and emotional investment. Without open communication, one person’s cushioning behavior can be deeply hurtful and disrespectful to others.
The question “Why are you dating?” becomes central here. If the primary goal is casual interaction, ego-stroking, or simply enjoying company without commitment, this must be communicated upfront. When these intentions are not disclosed, a fundamental misalignment of expectations occurs, often leading to emotional pain and resentment. Dating, especially in the online sphere, must be approached with kindness and consideration for the human beings on the other side of the screen.
Navigating the “Cushionee” Experience
For those who find themselves in the position of being “cushioned,” recognizing the signs is important. Feelings of not being a priority, sensing a lack of full commitment, or noticing inconsistent communication can be indicators. It is vital for individuals to respect their own boundaries and assert their needs. If a committed relationship is desired, it is acceptable to communicate this expectation and to disengage from situations where one is not being made a priority. A firm stance can be taken, as in, “I think you are great, but I don’t think I am what you need right now if what you want is a committed relationship.”
The experience of Treva Brandon Scharf, who married at 51, and her husband at 57, highlights the journey some take to find a committed partnership. Their personal story demonstrates a period of “benching” or “cushioning” through single life until a definite decision was made to commit. This transition illustrates the difference between exploring options when genuinely single and engaging in deceptive behaviors when committed.
Ultimately, fostering a culture of respectful and ethical dating, particularly in the context of dating over 50, requires self-reflection and integrity. Understanding “cushioning” and its underlying motives allows individuals to make more conscious choices about their own dating behaviors and to identify potential red flags in others. Prioritizing kindness, honesty, and self-awareness paves the way for healthier and more fulfilling romantic connections.
Your Questions on Cushioning and 50+ Online Dating Answered
What is “cushioning” in dating?
Cushioning is a modern dating behavior where a person maintains multiple romantic or flirtatious connections as backup options. This is done to “cushion the blow” if a primary relationship doesn’t work out.
When is cushioning considered a problem?
Cushioning becomes problematic and unethical when it occurs within an established or exclusive relationship. It shows a lack of transparency and can cause emotional distress to the committed partner.
Why do people practice cushioning?
People often cushion due to a need for constant external validation, insecurity, or a fear of abandonment. This behavior provides a false sense of security and control over their romantic life.
What should I do if I think someone is “cushioning” me?
If you suspect you’re being cushioned, look for signs like inconsistent communication or not feeling like a priority. It’s important to respect your boundaries and clearly communicate if you desire a committed relationship.