Understanding Cushioning in Online Dating
To fully grasp the concept of cushioning, it helps to distinguish it from a similar, often misunderstood term: benching.Cushioning vs. Benching: What’s the Difference?
Dating coach Treva Brandon Scharf eloquently explains the distinction:
- Benching: This occurs when you have multiple people “in rotation” while single. You might be dating someone, but you keep others on the “bench” in case the primary relationship doesn’t work out. It’s essentially keeping your options open before committing. This can be a natural part of the early stages of dating when you haven’t yet found a single, exclusive partner. For instance, you might go on a few dates with person A, and a few dates with person B, genuinely trying to see who you connect with more deeply without making any promises of exclusivity to either.
- Cushioning: This term takes on a more problematic connotation when it involves a “main squeeze” or someone with whom you are already in a serious or exclusive relationship. In this scenario, the cushioner maintains regular contact, flirts, or even engages in light dates with others, keeping them as emotional backups. Crucially, these “cushions” are typically unaware of the cushioner’s primary relationship status. This behavior is considered unethical because it involves deception and disrespects the emotional investment of both the primary partner and the “cushions.”
While benching might be an acceptable, albeit cautious, approach to exploring options during the initial single phase of online dating, cushioning, especially within an exclusive commitment, crosses a line into dishonesty.
The Deeper “Why”: Insecurity and the Quest for Validation
The act of cushioning isn’t merely a tactical dating maneuver; it often stems from profound emotional roots. As Treva points out, if you find yourself cushioning while in a committed relationship, it often reveals underlying issues that warrant self-reflection.Why Do People Engage in Cushioning?
The motivations behind cushioning are complex but frequently revolve around:
- Insecurity: A deep-seated lack of self-worth or fear of abandonment can drive individuals to seek constant reassurance. By having multiple people vying for their attention, cushioners may temporarily alleviate feelings of inadequacy. This creates a false sense of desirability, masking a genuine need for internal validation.
- Need for Validation: In our hyper-connected, social media-driven world, external validation is more accessible than ever. The constant stream of “likes,” messages, and matches from **online dating** apps can become addictive. This “thirst trap” mentality, as Treva describes it, means individuals live for adoration, mistaking superficial attention for genuine connection. They chase the high of being wanted rather than seeking a fulfilling partnership.
- Fear of Loneliness: The prospect of being alone, particularly for those **dating over 50** who may have experienced loss or extended periods of singlehood, can be daunting. Cushioning provides a perceived safety net, ensuring there’s always someone to turn to, even if that connection is shallow.
- Lack of Commitment: Some individuals may struggle with commitment, either due to past trauma, a desire to maintain perceived freedom, or an inability to fully invest in one person. Cushioning allows them to keep their options open indefinitely, avoiding the vulnerability and effort required for a deep, exclusive bond.
This behavior is less about finding “the one” and more about managing personal anxieties. It’s a coping mechanism that ultimately prevents true emotional growth and authentic relationships.
The Damaging Impact of Cushioning on All Involved
While a cushioner might believe they are protecting themselves, this behavior carries significant emotional costs for everyone involved. It creates a cycle of superficial interactions, where genuine connection is stifled and trust is eroded.For the Cushioner: Self-Sabotage and Stunted Growth
For the individual engaging in cushioning, this behavior can:
- Prevent Genuine Connection: By spreading their attention and emotional energy across multiple shallow relationships, cushioners inhibit their ability to truly invest in and develop a deep bond with one person. They remain on the surface, never experiencing the richness of a committed partnership.
- Avoid Self-Reflection: Cushioning acts as a distraction from internal issues. Instead of confronting their insecurities or fears, cushioners use external validation to temporarily fill the void. This stunts personal growth and delays addressing the root causes of their behavior.
- Create a Cycle of Dissatisfaction: The constant need for external validation is a bottomless pit. No amount of attention from multiple people will ever truly satisfy the underlying emptiness, leading to a perpetual state of longing and unfulfillment.
For the Cushionee: Emotional Harm and Erosion of Trust
Those who are unknowingly being “cushioned” face emotional turmoil:
- Emotional Hurt and Betrayal: Discovering that a partner has been keeping others on standby is a profound betrayal. It can lead to feelings of being used, disrespected, and deeply hurt, shattering the foundation of trust.
- Wasted Time and Effort: Cushionees invest their time, emotions, and hopes into a relationship that was never truly exclusive or honest. This can be particularly frustrating for those **dating over 50** who are often looking for meaningful, long-term partnerships.
- Damaged Self-Esteem: Being treated as an option rather than a priority can make cushionees question their self-worth and desirability, leading to self-doubt and cynicism about future relationships.
This behavior, though sometimes less overt than ghosting, can inflict significant emotional damage, fostering mistrust in the **online dating** landscape. It reinforces the idea that people are disposable, hindering the ability to form healthy, secure attachments.
Navigating Cushioning: Practical Advice for Both Sides
Recognizing cushioning is the first step; addressing it requires honesty, self-awareness, and clear communication. Whether you find yourself as the cushioner or the cushionee, there are actionable steps you can take to navigate this challenging dynamic.If You’re the Cushioner: Focus on Self-Reflection and Integrity
If you realize you’re engaging in cushioning behavior while in an exclusive relationship, it’s a critical moment for introspection:
- Ask “Why Am I Doing This?”: Honestly assess the underlying reasons. Is it insecurity, fear, a need for validation, or something else? Understanding the root cause is essential for change. Consider seeking professional guidance from a therapist or coach, like Treva Brandon Scharf, to explore these deeper issues.
- Practice Radical Honesty: Be transparent about your intentions and relationship status. If you are not ready for exclusivity, communicate that clearly to everyone involved. If you are in a committed relationship, dedicate your full attention to that partner.
- Build Internal Validation: Shift your focus from external approval to developing self-worth from within. Engage in activities that boost your confidence, pursue personal goals, and cultivate a strong sense of self that doesn’t depend on others’ attention.
- Prioritize Commitment: If you genuinely desire a committed relationship, make a conscious decision to invest in one person. This means letting go of the “what ifs” and giving your chosen partner the respect and focus they deserve.
If You’re the Cushionee: Recognize Signs and Set Boundaries
If you suspect you’re being cushioned, empowerment comes from recognizing the signs and asserting your worth:
- Identify the Red Flags: Pay attention to inconsistent communication, vague answers about their relationship status, a reluctance to define the relationship, or a feeling that you’re not a priority. “People are not stupid; they pick up on that,” Treva rightly observes.
- Communicate Your Expectations: Clearly articulate what you want from a relationship. Do you seek exclusivity, commitment, or a casual arrangement? Openly discuss your needs and boundaries with your partner.
- Refuse to Be an Option: Understand that you deserve a relationship where you are a priority. If your partner cannot offer that, be prepared to walk away. As Treva advises, sometimes you just have to “say it” – voice your needs and be ready to enforce your boundaries.
- Trust Your Gut: If something feels off, it often is. Don’t ignore those instincts. Your intuition is a powerful tool in navigating complex **online dating** scenarios, especially when **dating over 50**.
Embracing Kindness and Human Connection in Online Dating
The convenience of screens can sometimes dehumanize our interactions, making it easy to forget that on the other side of that profile is a real person with feelings, hopes, and vulnerabilities. As Treva Brandon Scharf passionately advocates, being a “kind dater” is paramount, regardless of your age or platform. This means extending the same courtesy and respect you’d expect to receive. Remember Treva’s personal example of calling someone after a single date to politely explain why there wouldn’t be a second. While uncomfortable, this act of kindness was always welcomed and built goodwill. This approach, though rare in today’s **online dating** culture, underscores the importance of basic human decency. Ultimately, navigating **cushioning** and other modern dating challenges for those **dating over 50** comes down to honest self-assessment and a commitment to treating others with empathy.Dating Over 50: Your Questions on Cushioning and Online Behaviors Answered
What is ‘cushioning’ in online dating?
Cushioning is when someone keeps several potential romantic interests on standby as backups, often without their full knowledge, in case their primary relationship falters. It involves maintaining flirtatious contact or casual dates with these individuals.
What is the difference between ‘cushioning’ and ‘benching’?
Benching typically occurs when you are single and keeping multiple options open as you explore who you connect with. Cushioning is considered problematic because it involves keeping backups while already in a serious or exclusive relationship, deceiving both your primary partner and the ‘cushions’.
Why do people engage in ‘cushioning’ behavior?
People often engage in cushioning due to underlying insecurities, a strong need for external validation, a fear of loneliness, or an inability to commit fully to one person. It acts as a coping mechanism rather than a healthy way to build relationships.
How can I tell if I am being ‘cushioned’?
You might be a ‘cushionee’ if you notice inconsistent communication, vague answers about their relationship status, a reluctance to define your relationship, or a feeling that you are not a priority. Trust your gut instincts if something feels off.