Are you navigating the complexities of online dating, especially as someone over 50, and finding yourself encountering unfamiliar terms and frustrating behaviors? The modern dating landscape can feel like a minefield of unspoken rules and shifting expectations, making genuine connection challenging. In the insightful discussion above, dating coach Treva Brandon Scharf joins Silke Schwarzkopf to demystify a particular online dating behavior: **cushioning**. This phenomenon, while not entirely new, has gained particular prominence in the digital age, demanding a closer look for those seeking sincere relationships.
1. What Exactly is Cushioning in Online Dating?
The term “cushioning” refers to the practice of keeping multiple romantic or potentially romantic connections “on the back burner” while actively pursuing a primary relationship. These secondary connections are often maintained through regular texting, messaging, or occasional casual dates, ensuring a fallback option is readily available. This behavior is sometimes compared to “benching,” which generally describes keeping potential dates in a rotation, ready to be called upon when convenient. However, cushioning typically implies a more established or exclusive primary relationship where these secondary contacts are kept secret. For many singles, especially those dating over 50, the nuanced differences between these terms can be quite subtle.
The core concept behind cushioning is to mitigate potential emotional disappointment should the primary relationship falter. Imagine if a person feels their main relationship is not secure; they might unconsciously, or consciously, maintain these additional lines of communication. This practice creates a safety net, a “cushion” to soften the blow of a potential breakup. While this might seem like a pragmatic approach to some, its ethical implications often become a significant point of contention. Understanding its definition is the first step toward recognizing this behavior in your own dating life or in the actions of others.
Understanding the “Back-Pocket” Mentality
Having individuals in a “back pocket” implies they are considered viable options, kept close but not prioritized. These contacts are typically unaware of their secondary status, believing they are being genuinely pursued or are a primary consideration. This creates an imbalance of information and expectation within the dating dynamic. The digital tools of online dating platforms make this kind of multi-tracking significantly easier than in past decades. A swipe, a message, or a quick text can maintain these connections with minimal effort, exacerbating the prevalence of cushioning behavior among daters.
2. When Does Cushioning Cross the Ethical Line?
The ethical dimension of cushioning is where much of the confusion and hurt often lies, as discussed in the video. When someone is single and actively exploring their options, having multiple dates and keeping various potential partners in consideration is generally accepted. This exploratory phase is a natural part of finding compatibility before committing to a single person. During this period, transparency is still valuable; however, a deep commitment is not yet expected. Therefore, during the initial stages of dating, juggling different connections is often seen as a practical approach.
The situation changes dramatically once a relationship progresses into a serious or exclusive phase. At this point, maintaining secret backup options becomes a breach of trust and an ethically questionable act. Imagine if you believed you were in a committed partnership, only to discover your significant other was actively nurturing other romantic prospects. This realization would undoubtedly cause profound hurt and betrayal. Unlike clearly unethical behaviors such as “ghosting,” where communication simply ceases, cushioning involves active deception and emotional manipulation. It undermines the very foundation of trust required for a healthy and respectful relationship. The expectation of full attention and loyalty is typically established once exclusivity is discussed and agreed upon.
3. The Psychological Roots of Cushioning: Insecurity and the Validation Trap
As insightful coaching often reveals, behaviors like cushioning are frequently rooted in deeper psychological drivers rather than mere casualness. The video’s experts highlight insecurity and a profound need for external validation as key motivators for those who cushion. When a person constantly seeks reassurance from multiple sources, it can indicate an “empty hole in the soul,” as Treva Brandon Scharf eloquently puts it. This internal void causes an insatiable craving for adoration and attention from others, which is perceived as an indicator of self-worth. It suggests an inability to find contentment or value from within oneself alone.
The pervasive influence of social media and online dating platforms significantly amplifies this quest for validation. Constant notifications, likes, and messages provide an easy, albeit fleeting, sense of being desired and appreciated. This constant influx of external praise can become a “thirst trap,” where individuals live for the adulation, perpetually seeking affirmation that never quite satisfies. Imagine a person constantly posting selfies or sharing updates purely to garner compliments; this behavior mirrors the underlying drive to cushion in dating. This reliance on outside approval often prevents the development of true self-acceptance and inner security. For individuals, particularly those dating over 50, who might be re-entering the dating scene after a long absence, this psychological dependency on validation can be a particularly challenging pitfall to navigate. Prioritizing self-reflection on why one might be seeking endless external validation becomes crucial for fostering genuine connections.
4. The Impact of Cushioning on Daters Over 50
The practice of cushioning carries significant emotional repercussions for all involved, particularly for those in the over 50 demographic who often seek more profound and stable connections. For the “cushioner,” this behavior, while seemingly a safeguard, ultimately sabotages the potential for a truly deep and committed relationship. The emotional energy and focus required to maintain multiple casual connections detract from the investment needed to cultivate a primary bond. This divided attention often leads to superficial engagements, preventing the cushioner from fully experiencing the vulnerability and trust essential for lasting intimacy. It also delays personal growth, as the underlying insecurities or commitment issues are left unaddressed.
Conversely, for the “cushionee,” being unknowingly kept as a backup option can lead to significant emotional distress. People are not stupid; they often sense when they are not a priority or when genuine interest is lacking. This realization can lead to feelings of being used, disrespected, or simply not good enough. Imagine if you are investing your time and emotions into someone, only to discover you are merely a placeholder; the resulting disappointment can be profoundly disheartening. Such experiences contribute to the frustration often expressed about online dating, particularly among mature adults who may have less patience for games and a greater desire for authentic partnership. Recognizing the signs of being cushioned becomes important, empowering individuals to advocate for their own emotional well-being and pursue relationships where they are valued as a true priority.
5. Cultivating Kindness and Honesty in Modern Dating
Navigating the contemporary dating landscape, especially when dating over 50, requires a renewed commitment to kindness, honesty, and clear communication. The video emphasizes that despite the screens and distances of online interactions, we are always dealing with real human beings who possess feelings and vulnerabilities. Therefore, every interaction carries the potential for a significant impact, either positive or negative. A fundamental principle of ethical dating involves asking “Why am I doing this?” before acting, particularly when it comes to behaviors like cushioning. This introspection helps reveal one’s true motivations and intentions, which is crucial for building healthy relationships.
Open and direct communication, even when uncomfortable, is truly indispensable. If one’s dating intention is casual or purely for ego-stroking, this fact should be communicated clearly to all involved. While it can be difficult to deliver news that might disappoint someone, the alternative is often much more damaging to everyone. A concrete example of this ethical approach is shared in the video by Treva Brandon Scharf. She describes how, after a first date where no second date was anticipated, she would promptly call the person to express thanks and politely state that she did not see a match. This simple act of courtesy, taking only a few minutes, demonstrated immense respect and saved face for the other individual. Such compassionate honesty ensures that all parties “know the score,” fostering transparency and mutual understanding, which are bedrock principles for successful dating relationships.
Landing Soft: Your Dating Over 50 & Cushioning Q&A
What is ‘cushioning’ in online dating?
Cushioning is when someone in a primary relationship secretly keeps other potential romantic interests or connections “on the back burner.” They do this by maintaining contact through messages or casual dates as a backup option.
When does cushioning become an ethical issue?
Cushioning becomes ethically problematic once a relationship is serious or exclusive, as it involves deception and a breach of trust. It differs from openly exploring options when someone is single and not committed.
Why do people engage in cushioning behavior?
People often engage in cushioning due to insecurity and a strong need for external validation, seeking constant reassurance and attention from multiple sources. Online dating platforms can amplify this need for approval.
What impact can cushioning have on people involved in dating?
Cushioning prevents the person doing it from forming deep, committed relationships and leaves underlying issues unaddressed. For the other people involved, it can lead to feelings of being used, disrespected, and profound disappointment.